realizations...

Here is another song from Pink's new album that I wanted to post.
At the time I first head it, I loved it and was very impressed with the lyrics.
But now, suddenly, I am finding myself in this song.....

Crystal Ball

I'm drinking wine and thinking bliss
is on the other side of this
I just need a compass
and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head
cascading up and down again
up and down, around again
down and up and round again

Oh..I've..had..my..chances
and I've taken them all
to end up right back here on the floor
to end up right back here on the floor

pennies in a well, a million dollars
in the fountain of a hotel, fortune teller that
says maybe you won't go to hell
but I'm not scared at all
mmm mmm mmm mmm mmmm
the cracks in the crystal,
the cracks in the crystal ball

sometimes you think everything
is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness
and a little forgiveness
and a halo of patience
and a less sporadic pace.
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes

Oh..I've felt..that..fire..and I..I've been burned
but I wouldnt trade the pain for what I've learned
i wouldnt trade the pain for what I've learned

pennies in a well, a million dollars
in the fountain of a hotel, fortune teller that
says maybe you wont go to hell
but im not scared at all
mmm mmm mmm mmm mmmm
the cracks in the crystal,
the cracks in the crystal ball

Irony, Irony,
is hating love, hating love
for what its done to me, done to me
done

Pennies in a well a million dollars
in the fountain of a hotel, broken mirrors
and a black cats cold stare, walk under ladders
on my way to hell, ill meet you there
but im not scared at all
mmm mmm mmm mmm mmmm
no im not scared at all
of the cracks in the crystal,
the cracks in the crystal ball

Cool, huh?

I've come to realize a few things in the past couple of weeks or so....this is gonna get deep, so you might want to bail now. If you keep reading, don't say I didn't warn you.....

Over the years, I had somehow managed to convince myself that I was a pretty cool chick.
And that people dug me. Really dug me.
I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be, nor have I even ever wanted to be, for that matter. 
But I believed that the good of me significantly outweighed the bad.

When you realize that some of the people that you love the most, don't agree.....
It's startling.
And it takes a bit to sink in.
and the realization comes over a period of time.....
you think, "nah...of course they like me! What's not to like??"
Then you stop to think about what's not to like.....
and you realize that there's actually a lot.
And then the sick to your stomach feeling comes....and the sob in the back of your throat....when it really hits you. 
"Wow....they don't like me. They really don't like me."

I'm not about to change who or what I am, at this point in my life.
I don't not like me.....and most of the people that love me and I love, obviously like me just fine.

But it doesn't hurt any less.....
And if the problem lied with things I was doing....something that I could change....then yeah, I'd be all over that.
But when the problem is....they just don't like you...all you are.....that's not so easy to fix, even if I wanted to.

I could go on and on......